Memorial Services at UUABQ

Memorial and Funeral Services
at First Unitarian Church of Albuquerque

One of the great purposes and privileges of the church and its ministry is to facilitate the marking of death and the honoring of the deceased. Most Unitarian Universalist families choose to conduct a memorial service at the church to accomplish this, but other options are possible. The church's ministers can assist in planning, writing, and/or conducting any of these services. This is a part of what you support when you contribute to the congregation year after year.

Please contact the church as soon as possible when there has been a death in the family. After hours or on weekends, please call one of the ministers at home. Even in the middle of the night, they are available and want to be of help. If you can not find any of the ministers at home over the weekend, you may call the church administrator or the current president of the congregation's board of directors.

Messages left at the church over the weekend are often not checked until Monday, and it is important that you be able to speak to a minister and to begin to plan your service. We normally announce congregational deaths during the Sunday services.

What Kind of Service?

A memorial service serves to gather mourners with the community, to give voice to deep feelings and offer words of comfort to all at the time of death, as well as to honor the deceased and celebrate his or her life. The body of the deceased is not present, having been cremated or buried with a private ceremony. The service can take place at any time after the death but is usually conducted 3-14 days after the death.

A funeral is similar to a memorial service, but the deceased's body is present. It is often held at the funeral home and followed by a committal service at the cemetery. The service is usually shorter and more formal and is conducted 2-4 days after the death.

A committal of the body or ashes is a relatively brief ritual that occurs at the time and place of burial or scattering of ashes (often different from the memorial service). It can be formal or informal in tone.

Phone Numbers
First Unitarian Church Office (505) 884-1801
Christine Robinson, Senior Minister,
    (505) 296-0189
David Grimm, Associate Minister,
    (505) 241-9627
Trish Colombo, Church Administrator,
    (505)884-1801

How do we plan the service? Remember that a memorial service's purpose is to gather mourners and acquaintances, to give voice to deep feelings and offer words of comfort at the time of death, as well as to honor the deceased and celebrate his or her life. The tone of the service is both solemn (at the beginning) and celebratory (toward the end). It is important for a memorial service to have a sense of dignity as well as to be an honest memorial for a complex person, and that it be conducted in a way that is comfortable for those who bring a wide range of beliefs to the service and a variety of feelings and relationships with the deceased. The minister uses the memories, music, and materials suggested by the family to craft such a service and to present these things in a way that is graceful and dignified and balances a variety of needs. Not all materials can be used, and many will need to be shaped for the occasion. The minister, who is both your resident expert on how to manage all this and the one the community holds accountable for the service, has the final authority over the content and speakers in the service.

When should it be? A memorial service and the attendant visits from out-of-town friends and family provide a good sense of closure for everyone. The optimum date for a service, therefore, is far enough from the time of death so that those who want to come can make the arrangements, but still close enough that the loss is still "fresh." This window is from about 3-15 days after the death. If significant people cannot gather in that time frame, sometimes two events are held. For instance, if all the deceased's children dropped everything to have a visit with a dying parent, it may be impossible for all to return until some months hence when the grandchildren are on summer vacation. In that case, there might be a memorial service primarily for immediate family, neighbors, and friends within the week, and a larger family memorial and scattering of ashes the following summer.

What time of day should we have the service? First of all, what do you want to do after the service? Will there be a reception or meal at church? Will you return to the house? Invite friends and neighbors back to the house? Go out to dinner? Most memorial services last between 30 and 50 minutes. Receptions often add another hour to the event, and even a simple meal adds at least 90 minutes. Another consideration is when people are available. Travel schedules need to be taken into account. If many people who will be attending have to work, a late morning (11 AM) or late afternoon (4 PM) or evening (7 PM) service is often most convenient for them. A late afternoon or evening service, however, can make a difficult day for the mourners.

Who will conduct the service? Most families want a minister to conduct the memorial service, though a family member or friend who is an experienced public speaker can do this. Except in very unusual and informal services, immediate family members should not attempt to conduct the service. Memorial services are for, rather than by the immediate family of the deceased. If you want a minister to help you conduct the service, you'll need to arrange timing with them. Our senior minister conducts most of the memorial services for church members, but you are free to choose whomever you wish, and it may be that she will have to assign a particular service to one of the other ministers.

Should we have a reception? A reception offers friends and acquaintances an opportunity to greet the family and speak to each other about the deceased. It is a very important part of the service. The church's care committee will help you arrange for a reception after the service, and will serve punch and cookies. Families often bring more food, even deli trays and other meal makings. One thing you can suggest to all those folks who ask, 'Is there anything I can do?" is to bring a plate of cookies or tea sandwiches to the service. The church office will put you in contact with the person in charge of the reception.

Where should we do it? You can hold your service in the Sanctuary or in a living room or out of doors. Outdoor services are usually very brief and (if not at the cemetery) very informal. You can also have the service at the funeral home. If you wish to use the church, either you or the minister assisting you will call the church office to arrange a date and time for your service. Please bear in mind that our church is often heavily booked—it is helpful to have several times in mind for your service when you call.

What Will the Service Be Like?

The most formal services are those in which the minister writes and delivers all of the service, including a eulogy written by gathering material supplied in conversation with family and friends.

The least formal service involves a few readings and time to "pass the mike" (in a large service) or (in a service of fewer than 20 people) an opportunity for persons to light a candle and share a memory or tribute. The minister may only open and close such a service.

Most UU services fall somewhere in between these two extremes. The minister writes and conducts the opening and closing parts of the service, and shares the tribute to the deceased with one or more persons. For instance, one family member or friend can do the whole eulogy. Or several persons may speak: the deceased's business partner, a grown child, and a long-time friend. In most cases, only one person from any one "category" will speak, having gathered the thoughts of others (coworkers or siblings, for instance). Sometimes people write out their thoughts and the minister reads them. There are many possibilities. Spouses and parents of the deceased do not usually speak, and no one from the family is expected to speak. All speakers will need to write their comments out and to share them with the minister. There should be no surprises at memorial services! Sometimes after the formal eulogy, the microphone is passed around for those attending to add their tributes and reflections. This often results in new stories and insights about the deceased that are a delight for everyone.

Additional Things to Consider

If you are making all the arrangements for the service without benefit of a funeral home, here are a few more things to think about:

Obituary: You will want to put an obituary in the newspaper. Look through the paper and get some ideas of how to write an obituary. Obituaries can be submitted online, or you can take them to the newspaper office. Consider running the obituary at least in the Sunday Albuquerque Journal and perhaps at least one day in the Albuquerque Tribune. Most UU families request that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to a favorite charity. Choose a public charity that most of the deceased's friends will feel good about donating to; if you want to give folks a choice, you can mention the church.

Flowers: You will probably want to arrange to bring flowers yourself to beautify the service. Sometimes the flowers provided for a Saturday service are left for Sunday; please arrange this in advance with the office. Please let your florist know our church address, phone number, and office hours for flower deliveries to the church prior to the service.

Guest book and pictures: You will want to provide a guest book and pens. People like to sign in at memorial services, and you will be glad to know who was there. Many times, a picture of the deceased is placed with the flowers and chalice. This is not necessary, and, in our large Sanctuary, it is not very effective. A picture on the table with the guest book will be seen by many more people. Some families arrange a table of pictures and memorabilia, hobby or craft items, and pictures from many aspects and eras of the deceased's life. This can be a good project for a family to do together and is always appreciated by the congregation, but it is not necessary.

Order of service: An order of service is not necessary, as the minister guides the congregation through the service. However, many families create a memorial folder with pictures, quotations, dates, and/or a map to the home. These are always appreciated and a good project for the desktop publisher in the family. But don't stress yourself with projects like these! If nobody jumps at the chance to help out in this way, let it go.

Music: Usually, families provide live or recorded music for about 15 minutes before the service. Oftentimes, there is a musical selection as a part of a prayer/meditation time during the service. Sometimes this music is simply "good music"; at other times it has special meaning to the deceased. Particular pieces and recordings can often be incorporated into the service, but not all music will fit gracefully into a memorial service. Some music is better played for the group that gathers at the home afterward. The minister has final authority to determine what music will be played during the service.

Fees

Church members in good standing and contributing friends are excused from the building use fees ($200 for the Sanctuary and $50/hour for the Social Hall) and from the minister's fees (normally $250). Your ongoing financial support of the church covers these charges. You do need to pay any musicians you engage for the service, but you will need to pay the sound system technician to open the church, run the sound board (including any playing CDs you would like), make an audiotape of the service, and lock the buildings at the end of the service. His fee is $75. Our music director's fee for playing for a memorial service is $100. If he arranges other musicians for you, he will suggest an appropriate fee.

Not only the ministers, but the administrative and cleaning staff often scramble to meet the needs of families who are arranging memorial services. They are glad to be of help. Some families make a contribution to the Church Endowment's Staff Appreciation/Training fund in honor of the deceased as a way of showing their appreciation for the extra help the church staff has given them. The interest from this fund provides some of the extras, such as tuition remission, travel to denominational events, bonuses, and staff appreciation events, which are not otherwise budgeted.